Foreboding Joy & Mount Tamalpais
I woke up this morning with the sun shining on my skin and my bed felt extra cozy for some odd reason. My lips still tingled from a romantic kiss the night before and joy just rushed through my soul. For as quick as I felt this moment of peace and joy it disappeared and turned into me feeling frighten, insecure and scared!
It’s these beautiful moments of intense joy that scare ever nerve in my body because I can’t help but think when it is ball going to drop? I have made it to the other side of a lot of trauma in my life and I think it’s my natural defense to be terrified of joy and want to protect myself from it!
The older I get the more I realize that I have stopped surrendering to the moment and live my life constantly trying to control it’s every outcome. After reading many of Brene Browns books I realize how unhealthy this unconscious decisions is! During this moment this morning when I felt the sunlight come crashing down I watched some singing auditions because they always make me cry and give me an add sense of real emotional ease. I then proceeded to tell myself “no Myles you deserve to feel joy! You can’t control everything.”
The day before my ex partner passed away I remember so vividly him coming into my work kissing me on the forehead and telling me that I was one of the best things to ever happen to him. In that moment I felt such intense joy I almost started to cry. The next day I got the phone call that he had passed away. From the moment forward it’s been so hard for me to fully and vulnerably open my heart up again. The amount of pain and sorrow I felt after expirencing such highs and lows in a 24h period seriously shook my soul.
I have come a long way since that tragic period in my life but it like moments like today when my heart is raw and open that my scars feel tender and I want to close up and protect them once again from a safe space. After my good cry this morning I surrendered to the universe and put for foreboding joy aside and allowed myself to live within my vulnerability. Yes it feels amazing and uncomfortable but I no longer want to continue giving energy to something that does not allow me to feel joy to it’s fullest! I am sure I am going to have many more sunny mornings and linger kisses on my lips but I just need to remind myself to enjoy the moment as they come and go soo quickly I’m silly to not enjoy them to the fullest!
Thank you for letting my pour my heart out to all of you! This blog really hold me physically accountable to my emotional growth and practice! Side Note Mount Tamalpais is located not too far outside of San Francisco, California in a redwood forest called Mill Vally.