Bearing The Unbearable
It’s that time of year where you might be dressing up to celebrate Halloween and dancing your night away to the ‘Monster Mash’. For me, October 31st is a pitted reminder of the night I unexpectedly lost someone I loved so very much. Mourning is hard and every year it evolves and grows with me as I continue on through life without him. A piece of advice someone once gave me was "the weight of your lost loved one never goes away; you just become strong enough to carry it with you every day." I did not believe this individual for a second all those years ago but I now realize they were so right. I have become much stronger and this is why I have decided to share a piece of my heart with all of you in this blog post.
When I first found out about his tragedy, I could not even comprehend reality. All I wanted to do was wake up from this horrible dream because in my heart I did not want it to be true. I can still feel his kiss so delicate upon my skin; how could he possibly be gone? I honestly do not know what I would have done if it was not for the support of my friends. When I experience pain, I build up walls to shut everyone out and retreat deep within myself. Over the years, I have been trying to practice that this behaviour is not healthy and to openly talk about how I feel instead of hiding myself away. I have come to realize that locking yourself up only gives life to your negative thoughts and only offers a one-sided opinion. How can you ever see the light if you always keep your eyes closed?
After almost a year of living in the fog of mourning his loss, I had finally reached a point where I needed to focus my energy into something other than misery. I came across this suitcase in my room that I had thrown to the side for years that was filled with an unfinished collection of embroidered neck pieces I had given up on due to the time it took to meticulously finish one piece. If there was one thing my love taught me in life, it was to always put your entire soul into everything you do regardless if you enjoy it or not. I reopened that suitcase, picked up my needle and thread, and completed that collection in a few short months. I like to believe that this collection was for him and all the love we shared together.
After losing him, dating became much harder. All I wanted to do was save anyone who I thought needed my help without taking into account how the relationship would impact me. I reached a point where I stopped recognizing myself and the decisions I was making. I kept trying to recreate our relationship with every new guy I met. I would simply walk away as soon as I did not share the same emotions I experienced with him previously. I found myself stuck in the past and I knew I needed to move forward. The love you share with someone is as individual and unique as we all are as humans. You never experience the same kind of love twice because with every new relationship comes new lessons that we evolve from. Maybe what you once felt for the person is no longer and you have outgrown that moment.
Whenever I hear the word "beautiful", it will forever remind me of him. He made me feel beautiful and reminded me almost every day how beautiful he thought I was. “Good Morning Beautiful” was something he always used to say to me when I looked up from sipping my grande six pump chai soy latte. That is the piece of him I will forever keep alive because he made everyone around him feel beautiful and important. Every day that I walk through life I try and be conscious and share this with everyone I cross paths with. Sometimes it is as simple as passing a smile to a stranger on the street that I catch eyes with or taking that extra few seconds to ask a cashier how their day is going.
It has now been five years since his passing and this date always weighs a little heavier than the others. I have made my peace with what has happened and strive to live for him every day. Thank you for taking the time to read a piece of my struggle and growth – I hope there is a small fragment you can take with you. If you have ever lost someone you love, my heart goes out to you and please know that you are not alone.